"I think I'll put the diaper...here."

Warning: this story might be disturbing to readers who can’t handle dirty diapers.

   Back in the summer of 2009, I was extremely pumped to be heading off to college in a few months. I also knew, however, that money was going to be of importance for my venture to semi-adulthood so I began looking for jobs. I had been working at a little grocery store/gas station/deli/gift shop/liquor store/coffee shop, a.k.a. the only real “store” in town, for over three years. I was definitely ready to move onto something new; some place where half-drunk middle-aged men wouldn’t invite me to the river after work and where drug deals didn’t happen in the women’s bathroom every few weeks.

   My parents had recently started a new vacation rental business in town and extended the offer to me to become a part of the cleaning team. The “team” consisted of my mom. I felt bad making her clean all the properties alone, and frankly I was super desperate to find somewhere new to work, so I agreed and signed my summer away to be a cleaning lady.

   At first it was exciting because I only had to work a few hours a day, which was usually in the morning. My mom and I would get Arnold Palmers, (if you don’t know what those are, you are severely missing out in life), and head toward whichever cabin needed to be cleaned. Sometimes the car rides would last over an hour, those were the best. I loved going up the West Fork of the Bitterroot River because everything was so green and pure.

   Over time, however, the whole prospect of cleaning up after rich people became severely irritating. I found myself resenting every morning because I knew what I would be facing: dirty sheets, filthy kitchens, smudgy windows, and nasty toilets.

   Sometimes I would get a “surprise”. One time we were changing sheets on a twin bed where a child must’ve slept, at least I hope it was a child, because the sheets were completely soaked with pee. Like, a lot of pee. Another time, we were stripping the sheets off of the master bed and found a pair of dirty men’s underwear. Awesome. After a huge wedding party stayed at one of the larger properties, I found a used condom stuck to the trash can. Uber awesome.

   There are more…descriptive stories I could tell but I will spare you.

   One of my favorites, however, I will go into detail about.

   It was at one of the larger properties where families come to stay for reunions because it sleeps twenty people and could easily fit a lot more. It’s also the most common place to bring babies for some reason.

   Since it was nearing the end of the summer, I’m pretty sure I was only half-sane from having cleaned almost every day for the past three months. That factor plays a significant part in the hilarity of this story.

   My mom and I were in the downstairs bedroom refreshing the sheets as my dad cleaned the kitchen upstairs. My dad is extremely particular in his cleaning requirements and trusted my mom and me to reach his expectations. As we were making the bed, I reached underneath the top right corner of the mattress to tuck in the top sheet. It was a difficult thing to do because, a) the room is small and b) there was a huge wooden bed stand preventing me from properly sheet-tucking. I maneuvered myself and had just accomplished my duty when I saw something white stuck behind the bedside table. I paused and tilted my head, trying to investigate the item.

   My mom walked over to my side to take a look and, being the braver of the two of us, reached down and pulled said item out.

   It was a diaper.

   A diaper full of…diaper stuff.

   We both shrieked and she dropped it on the floor. What in Heaven’s name was a used diaper doing shoved behind a bedside table? Why would someone do that? How long had it been there? Why was it so heavy? Why???

   Of course, at almost that exact moment my dad just happened to decide to check on our progress. We heard him approaching and exchanged panicked looks. We both realized the last group with a baby that had stayed there was a few weeks ago…people had stayed there since…and my dad would know that. How had we missed this diaper?!

   My mom bent over and snatched the diaper off the ground and stood behind the door, I’m not sure why. That left me standing awkwardly in the middle of the room with a half-terrified, half-nauseous look on my face. Apparently deciding hiding wasn’t the best plan, my mom stepped out of the room to greet my dad in the hallway instead, chucking the diaper at me.

   I didn’t know what to do. I most definitely did not want to touch the thing but I also didn’t want to risk it hitting the floor and becoming unwrapped. So I instinctively reached out and caught it. Then tasted a little bile in the back of my throat.

   I could hear my dad asking how things were coming as I ran around the room trying to find somewhere to stash the thing. There was nowhere to put it! So I rolled it under the bed. My dad could tell something was up, partly due to the fact that my mom was basically in hysterics trying not to bust out laughing because she could see me frantically dashing around the room.

   After asking us “what’s going on?!” about a hundred times as my mom and I rolled around on the floor, clutching our sides as we laughed uncontrollably, we finally had to tell him the story. I think he would’ve found it more entertaining had we not looked like mental patients having a strange reaction to laughing gas. We, however, thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Ever. Luckily for us, he wasn’t angry.

   We never could figure out why in the world someone would’ve taken the time to shove a used, compacted diaper behind the bed stand, especially when there was a trashcan literally two feet away. People are weird. We still joke about that day whenever I go home and help clean a property.  We also always make sure to ask, “Did you check for a diaper?”