Presenting: Things That Make Being A Female Irritating

   There are a few things I’ve confronted throughout this life-journey as a female that I consider worth whining about. Some are weird, some are gross, some are awkward. But most all of them are funny. Here are a few I’ve noticed as of late.

1. Shedding

   Hair is such an important component of expressing oneself nowadays. You can say a lot just by how much time you spend doing it, how noticeable your style is, if you wash it or not. But what impression are you giving when you sport a hair cape? I’m not talking this kind of hair cape:

Which, depending on the context, would also cause people to look at you strangely. In fact, the only scenario I can really come up with in which this type of hair cape would be appropriate is if you were receiving a haircut. Or if you had an extreme drooling problem and felt the need to protect your clothing. But in that case, you’d probably be used to stares anyway.

Not this kind, either:

I’m talking about this kind of hair cape:

Yes, I drew it myself. It’s a self-portrait of how I look every day, my spiderweb-thin reddish-brownish-blondish three foot long pieces of dead, detached hair streaming off of me like some Maypole celebration.

   Sometimes I can sense someone touching me just to turn around and see some brave soul (usually female) helping a sister out by removing parts of my hair cape. Other times I go all day just to come home and realize the back of my shirt looks like I just rolled around in some Irish Wolfhound’s travel crate. I’m sure people think I have some strange disease that causes me to lose substantial amounts of hair on a daily basis. The fact that I constantly am touching my hair does not help my case, either.

   The good news is I know I’m not the only person that suffers from this condition. I see plenty of other females sporting different lengths, densities, and colors of hair capes all the time. It’s still gross, though.

2. Makeup

   I hate makeup. I hate the idea of it almost as much as I hate putting it on. Then why do you wear it? You may ask. The answer is stupid and makes me dislike society: I feel not-so-pretty without it. There, I said it. I said it because every single other girl out there wears makeup for that exact same reason. If that wasn’t true, then what would be the point of putting it on in the first place? Exactly.

   If I do wear makeup, which is only like three days out of the week, I only wear mascara. And maybe some sparkly eye shadow. And occasionally some pencil liner. But mainly just mascara. There is reason to this. Without mascara, I feel like I look like this:

With mascara, I’m 98% positive that I look like this:

Drastic improvement if I say so myself. Basically I think every woman should just stop wearing makeup, period. Naturally pretty people that also wear makeup should be stripped of their makeup-purchasing rights. Are you with me?!

3. Food Ordering Stereotypes

   You know how, in the older movies, women always ordered something pathetic when out to dinner? Like a salad “sans dressing” or “just some fruit”? I’m so glad times have changed and it is now considered socially acceptable for women to actually eat. Such a milestone! Although the concept has been recognized by the public, I can’t say it doesn’t still surprise some people.

   For instance, the other week I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and I ordered a burger. A big burger. With fries. Lots and lots of fries. This little old couple was sitting across the room from us and when my order came, this little bird of a woman clucked her tongue at me. She clucked at me! For ordering a burger with fries! I was pissed. I proceeded to take huge, manly bites out of my cheeseburger and lick my fingers clean. I ate every single French fry and made sure to eat at least 75% of the burger (it was pretty large, I’ll admit). Good thing my boyfriend is usually too immersed in his meal to notice how unlady-like I eat sometimes…The little lady looked over at me a few times in what I interpreted as utter disgust and disapproval. She was eating a cup of soup, I should mention.

    What’s so wrong with a big meal, huh? Don’t I deserve food? It’d be one thing if I was 600 pounds and had just ordered some disgustingly large meal, now that would deserve a clucking. But I’m 21 years old, still have a fairly good metabolism, and am active. So you know what, society? I’m ordering a burger. And I’m gonna finish it.