In just under three months, I will be finishing up my five year stint as a college student. 29 days of class in this semester left followed by a three week summer course is all that stands between me and being a graduate. Days have never gone slower.
It's funny to me the development in my level of nerdiness from high school to now. In high school, I was one of 109 (I think) in my graduating class. There was an assortment of personalities and achievement levels that made my life pretty easy. Though I attempted to excel by enrolling in Advanced Placement courses and was pretty A-oriented, I didn't feel like I was pushing myself very hard. I got A's and B's, participated in various clubs, played tennis, took the pre-SATs, and applied for scholarships to college. I had friends that all aimed very high which was a blessing in disguise when I found out I was very competitive. I'm pretty sure that if I had a different group of friends, I wouldn't have found out exactly how hard I was capable of pushing myself.
My freshman year of college I took Economics 101 and hated it. I didn't understand it and didn't care to, which led me to a harsh realization upon receiving my transcript. I looked at the B- (which, to a lot of people would lead to a fist pump in self-congratulation) and just got pissed off. I decided right then that I was not a B- kind of girl. I was paying for my education and the idea of carrying the burden of a $20,000 student debt for numerous years of my life for a bunch of average grades on my record made me very uneasy. I'm pretty sure that from that moment on, I became a mega-nerd.
School became increasingly important to me, shifting my priorities from "boyfriend and a carefree outlook" to "school, homework, and getting an A". I soon found out I was capable of getting a 4.0 in college and felt mighty good about it. I merged into a group of friends that, to me, seemed normal. In hindsight, I don't think I could've picked a more ridiculous bunch to befriend. Grades, points, and scores were at the core of their worries and it caused me to care a whole lot more about my results than ever before. I soon began to look at my 95%s as simply not being 100%s. I forgot to celebrate and revel in the fact that I was at the top of my class. I looked around me at my peers' scores and the only ones I noticed were those better than mine. It was if they were written larger and in redder ink than all the others.
My stress and anxiety levels increased the farther I got into the program. The friends I'd made in the earlier years were still there whereas a lot of the others had dropped. I went from being at the top of the pack to somewhere in the middle. Classes got harder and the average dropped lower, gaining me C's and B's on exams. I was not okay with my performance and beat myself up after realizing there were people getting 98%s. I didn't notice the people getting 60%s.
I started to spend time with my friends less and phone conversations got shorter. I would lose sleep because I was convinced that if I stayed up two hours later studying, I'd do better this time. And yet I'd still do worse than the people who studied "for a couple of hours". It was starting to hurt.
The worst part was no one seemed to understand. My parents would tell me to not worry as much, that I was doing great - couldn't I see that? My boyfriend just listened and told me it'd all work out. My close friends and roommates didn't understand as much as I'd hoped and I found myself harboring this bitter and self-degrading feeling inside of me. Why couldn't I just be the best?
The level of competition my senior year and within the Graduate program has been completely insane. We're down to probably 25 people and we've all known each other for at least four years. We know what each other are capable of and are always sure to verify our standing within the group. Scores are compared, time spend studying is casually thrown into conversation, people whisper about others' performance and grades are peeked at over shoulders. And the worst part is how ok it is - everyone does it. It's normal.
But it's so harmful. There are people that cry themselves to sleep, self-harm, pick up addictions, alienate themselves, hate themselves, become sick and unhappy. The people we should be cheering on and forming lifelong bonds with are the same people we pit ourselves against and compare abilities as if it's some sort of contest. We all will get the degree. We all will get jobs. We all are accountants. Why does it matter so much what the person next to you is doing? Or how they are doing it? How can you possibly compare the results of a single mother non-traditional student with the valedictorian of the graduating high school class of 2009? And why do they both care?
As the end is looming for my experience at college, my hindsight really is 20/20. If I could, I would go back and do it all differently. I would make time to find myself instead of trying to fit myself inside of a very small box. I would've made more friends that were similar to me instead of ones that just happened to be interested in accounting like I was. I would've looked at the big picture. Mainly, I would've worked on being a happier, better me.
Of all the things I've learned along the way, one is the knowledge that competition will always be present. It will be there in my career, in my family, amongst my friends and even neighbors. I'm honestly worried that I've instilled this self-degrading concept of competition and comparison into myself for too long, and that it will be toxic to my life. I don't want to care so much about the person next to me and how "better" they are then me. The thought makes me tired, angry, and depressed. I want to be that person that congratulates, inspires, and shares in happiness with others. I don't want to keep up with the Joneses.
