pregnant no more!

   Pregnant Lady had her baby yesterday! I am happy for two reasons: 1) there's a new cute lil' girl in the world now! and 2) more importantly, I don't have to be creeped out at my work place any more!

   Yes, I like babies. Who doesn't? I guess I'd rather gaze upon one than have one in my possession, however. But from afar, they're awesome! Unless they're screaming in a restaurant, then they're not awesome.

   It's just the whole idea of pregnancy that makes me queasy. I watched her for three days, not because I was stalking her or something but because I had to fill in for our secretary, which meant I was a mere two doors down from Pregnant Lady's office.

   Sometimes I would hear Pregnant Lady sigh. This wasn't just a normal I'm-tired-of-sitting-here kind of sigh, either. This sigh spoke to me and I knew at once what was being expressed: Pregnant Lady was in pain. Upon hearing the sigh, I would immediately imagine what was going on and then my mind would get all graphic and I would try to stop picturing myself in her shoes with this thing dwelling inside my uterus and then my face would scrunch up and then I could taste my lunch again and it was just terrible! For three days I endured that suffering, you can only imagine my happiness upon hearing Pregnant Lady was not longer pregnant! I think she realized she should probably get it out for her coworkers' sakes, I couldn't have been the only one feeling so...violated.

   I used to think being pregnant and getting married (yes in that order, that's how they do it here in the big MT) would be all sorts of fun. I would just pop a little pink-cheeked cutie out and my Man and I would go skipping off into the distance, holding hands and pinching our kid's cheeks. I mean, if 1/3 of my graduating class could do it, why couldn't I? They just looked so darn cute on their 18th birthdays holding a newborn!

   Ok, now I'm just being sarcastic because I have realized that would SUCK! And not just a little, but a lot.

   Now I feel like I'm offending people. If you are a young mother and are raising your kid well, then you are amazing! I'm not trying to spin this toward premarital sex and young marriages, don't wanna go there!

   Basically, just the thought of spending nine months of your life as a giant child-growing appliance is pretty much the weirdest thing ever. Think about it, every day there is this little nugget inside of you and it's just chilling there, going wherever you go, doing whatever you do. You can't ever be alone! I can only imagine how those one sea creatures feel when those little pests latch onto them. Not that a baby is a pest.

   So now that you have that image cultivated so nicely, it gets better (or worse, depends if you're an optimist). Now you start to get fat. Suddenly you start craving the weirdest things and you tell yourself: "it's ok! I'm pregnant! This is natural!". But then you eat a box of Chicken-In-A-Biscuit's and some cottage cheese with ketchup. I don't find that natural. So not only are you fat, but you are gross. And your breath smells really bad from the previous combination.

   I could go on and on about the horrific images I conjure up and their colorful descriptions, but I have a feeling I should just keep those to myself. But in the end, I am happy for Ex-Pregnant Lady and her new addition! I hope everyone stays happy and healthy, the only two things worth wishing onto someone.