i beg of you.

   I am about to rant about a pretty unpleasant topic: bathrooms. Just to forewarn you.

   I work at a pretty professional office. The women dress up in pencil skirts and panty-hose and the men nearly always sport ties. Fortunately, I get to wear jeans and sweatshirts because I inhabit the basement.

   I work in the mornings a couple times a week and have encountered something that not only grosses me out but also kind of ticks me off.

   The women who tippy-tap around in their unconventional high heels on the linoleum above my basement location have always given me the impression of highly sophisticated and feminine business ladies. I admired their dedication to beautifying themselves every day in order to come to work at an office in Montana.

   Lately, however, that reputation has been extinguished. These women are not classy.

   Everyone poops. You know that, I know that. There’s even been a book written about it. Go here if you don’t believe me.

   Most people also know that coffee makes you poop. Something about the enzymes that really get your bowels moving? I’m not sure.All I know is it's a pretty proven fact. 

   At work, we have an unlimited supply of really cheap, chewy coffee. It tastes almost as bad as it smells. My fellow employees have developed some sort of addiction to the substance and migrate to the tiny, white-washed break room to refill their mugs at least once an hour.

   I’m getting to the point, just wait.

   I get to work at about 9:30 which means most of the office workers have already settled into their desks, refilled their mugs at least twice, and discussed their lives with everyone within a three foot radius. This has also given their stomachs enough time to process the crud they’ve been ingesting for the past 90 minutes and, to be modest, get things goin’.

   Lately I’ve noticed that some of these fancy ladies are saving their business for work. Either they run out of their houses in too much of a rush to make a five minute pit stop in the ‘loo, or they forget every single day how badly the coffee makes them need to go #2. Either way, it’s very irritating.

   The last thing I want to smell in the bathroom at 9:30am is nasty coffee-induced lady dumps. The worst part? Our bathroom doesn’t have a fan. The second-to-worst part? Our bathroom doesn’t have any stink-diminishing spray. I’m honestly tempted to just buy one and bring it with me to work.

   Ladies, why are you doing this? Why are you drinking copious amounts of coffee every day that force you to stink up the bathroom for a good five hours? I guess it could also be the same lady every day. In which case: why, Lady? Can’t you do a respectful flush once in a while, at least? Diminish the stench a little? Or maybe hold it until you go home for lunch? Or go at home in the first place?

   I understand, sometimes you’ve just got to go. And sometimes that moment occurs at your place of work. I get it. I’ve been there. But not every day! I dream about coming into work, using the bathroom, and not almost passing out due to either holding my breath or the intense odor.

   All I ask, my lovely perfumed coworkers, is to keep in mind that the bathroom has poor ventilation. Remember that as you make your way down the hall to refill your mug for the fourth time.

   Please and thank you.